7th December 2023 • The HERALD • Page 85 v THE NEXT HERALD IS OUT ON 4TH JANUARY v Poets Corner HERALD RECRUITMENT ARE YOU READY FOR CHRISTMAS? by Dorothy P. Lockyer© CHRISTMAS LUNCH AT OURS by Mike Bennett© A light breakfast, perhaps I’ll have toast Or a small bowl of bran at the most. Though full English is good And believe me I could I am saving myself for THE roast We had argued on which would be best A whole turkey or just the crown breast But my views don’t hold sway They ignore what I say I must cook what they ask for – no jest The veg took forever to peel And the effort put in was unreal But I must get it right Gosh, I’ll sleep well tonight It’s hard work in preparing this meal I will pour out a small glass of wine Not too much and I know I’ll be fine It will help me relax And perform to the max Though it’s only a quarter past nine Hours on, dinner’s ready to serve There’s so much but I must keep my nerve Equal portions there’ll be With a bit more for me Well, I cooked it, it’s all I deserve Yes, the bird cost a bomb - it was dear Party hats, trinkets, jokes bring good cheer And the pleasure’s immense As we saved on expense Using crackers held back from last year By their looks they’d, perhaps, eat a horse Down their necks, food, I’ll not need to force Turkey, sprouts, roasties, peas They’ll devour with ease Pigs in blankets, aplenty, of course By the comments the meal’s going well Though their tummies are starting to swell But I fear later on When the food has all gone That the methane produced will cause hell! All agreed that our dinner was great It was served bang on time – wasn’t late But we’re so stuffed with food That we’re not in the mood For the pudding which, sadly, must wait And all plaudits I, graciously, took Used my skills not a recipe book Forward planning by me Means there’s loads left for tea And the next month as well, by the look Now, a date with the kitchen I’m due You can guess what I find makes me blue Cos the sink is a mess Made by me, I confess But I know who’ll clear up – you do too! Tis Christmas time, Tis Christmas time Once more I pen a little rhyme I hope to raise a smile or two But there is a question I ask of you … Are you ready for Christmas? I’ll start early this year to avoid the crush I’ll select my presents without undue rush Mince pies and cake will be baked in good time en I can smugly say, “I’ve done all of mine!” But you know how it is, Time rushes on You thought you had weeks, but somehow they’ve gone! Not a present. a card or a decoration ose good intentions turn to desperation So it’s o to town to join the throng Setting o with a cheery “I shan’t be long!” A shirt for him and of course some socks And a book on the latest boats and yachts. My feet are aching. My head is a throb What can I buy Father? It is a job! A gardening voucher, that’s just the ticket He can buy some seeds or spring onions with it. It gets worse of course as the day draws near I’m sick of hearing about Christmas cheer! A visit to the supermarket I’ve yet to make And that’s enough to make anyone quake! Into the supermarket with an audible groan, I’ve picked the trolley with a will of its own! Up and down aisles, Ah, the end in view And now I’m stood in the slowest queue! e Christmas tree has pride of place e fairy’s not happy by the look on her face! e tree looks lovely, but I stand aghast As the blinking lights have blinked their last! I’m wrapping presents, such awkward shapes! And I keep losing the end of the Sellotape. e decorations are up, let’s hope they stay And don’t fall down on Christmas Day! As the carol says, “All is calm and bright,” Let’s ponder now on this Christmas Eve night. Are you ready for Christmas, I ask again? Or is it just trappings and tinsel, all vain? BEHIND THE SCENES by David K Wilson© I heard some worrying news today I checked if it was true I found it was it troubles me Whatever shall I do? Santa thought he had a cold this year But it was not a cold but the virus I fear And it’s left poor Santa in a state In fact he’s running late! Making matters even worse His memory’s slipped a tad He’s lost his sleigh it’s gone today It’s really all quite sad And he’s put on too much weight again Too many sweet mince pies And he’s knocking back the sherry That he brought home, now he’s high! Rudolf slipped up on a pie And broke his reindeer knee To match his nose he’s got a new peg leg Bright red, it came for free Santa’s little helpers Have worked hard all the year And out of bits and pieces odds and ends A brand new sleigh’s appeared It’s bigger and it’s wider Santa’s seat now twice the size It’s made to fit New Santa With his mince pie shaped backside All the cakes mince pies and sherry Have really taken their toll But time draws ever closer For old chap to rock and roll This year Santa has a phone As he hates the long nights allalone Google maps will point the way No child missed on Christmas day But please just leave him water Or tea (no sugar please!) And a grape or glass of orange juice He’ll groan but I’ll be pleased Then if he finds his dear old sleigh He’ll fit inside once more He’s had it years its comfortable Says he left it by the door I beg of you don’t spoil him He’ll just take it out on me! And I won’t get a Christmas treat Neither will the family! Not even poor Rudolf! I plan to shave his beard off While he’s fast asleep Next Christmas he can glue it back Mustn’t make the children weep Designer stubble suits him well A young man made for me I’ve already bought him tight red jeans What a Santa he will be! The old chaps put on weight again Too many sweet mince pies And he’s knocking back the sherry And he’s happy (hic) and high! Wishing You All A Merry Christmas From Mrs Claus! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all our Readers, Advertisers, Contributors and Distribution Points
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